How Parents Can Help Children with ADHD Thrive in Friendships

“Vibrant” is how Caroline Poisson describes her seven-year-old son. “He’s incredible, enthusiastic and curious,” she said. “And then there’s a side of what we call kryptonite and we talk about his ADHD brain, where there are some things that are just really hard for him.”

Like many kids with ADHD, Poisson’s son struggles with executive function skills – the cognitive abilities that help people plan, stay organized, pay attention, control emotions and make decisions. Without a good grasp on these skills it can be hard to make friends and strengthen the social skills needed to navigate adulthood.

Parents of kids with ADHD often say their kids miss social cues, such as when peers are bored, hurt or offended, according to Amori Mikami, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia in Canada. Mikami researches peer relationships, specifically focusing on children with ADHD. Additionally, she developed a parental friendship coaching (PFC) model where parents of elementary school-age kids can learn to support their child in making friends.

PFC programs can be found in participating mental health centers or specialized ADHD treatment centers.

Participants meet with mental health professionals and other parents of kids with ADHD for 10 sessions over several weeks to practice strategies to improve their child’s social behavior. While the parental friendship coaching model can be used individually, a group format lends itself to community and collaboration among parents.

Building a strong parent-child relationship

The parental friendship coaching model encourages parents like Poisson to spend special time connecting with their child so they’re more likely to be receptive to feedback. Examples of special time may include sitting with their child as they draw and narrating the process or letting the child teach the parent a game.

Poisson noticed that when she spent special time with her son, his oppositional behavior decreased.

Nurturing children’s friendship skills

Once the parent-child relationship is strong and secure, the PFC program guides parents in nurturing their child’s friendship skills, including negotiation, conflict resolution and perspective taking. Parents are uniquely positioned to be friendship coaches because they have a deep understanding of their child’s strengths, challenges and individual needs. While a child’s therapist can provide tips and strategies, parents have access to real time situations and can provide in-the-moment support.

Setting up successful playdates

Lastly, the PFC model helps parents learn how to structure successful playdates for their child.

A parent of a child with ADHD may initially choose to host playdates because they have more control over the environment than if their child is a guest at a peer’s house.

Although parents may feel the need to check in frequently during playdates, they learn in the PFC program that it’s important to make sure that their child experiences quality one-on-one time with their friend.

Instead of trying to stop things from happening, Poisson accepted the occasional bad playdate as part of the process. “And then we just reflect. ‘What were you doing?’ and ‘What were they doing’ and ‘What could you do?’” she said.

Parents aren’t supposed to be their child’s friendship coach forever, according to Mikami. “It’s meant to be an investment in the early stages of a relationship. And so once your child gains more of these friendship skills and hits it off with a peer, then parents should have a plan to back off,” she said.

Excerpted from “How parents can help children with ADHD thrive in friendships” in MindShift from KQED. Read the full article online for additional details.